Acutally now i'm rushing off to work, but suddenly just felt like blogging. Last night i dreamt about you. I couldn't see you in my dreamt but we were talking on msn. How funny can it be right. I dreamt that we patched things up and you are willing to give the relationship one more try. I got so happy i woke up. hahaha..

Anyway, i just don't understand myself. I wanted to some many things for you to win you back but just that everytime I'll end up not doing. Because after planning and thinking of what i will do for you, I question myself, will you really come back if i really did all that i have planned? I always lose my confident especially in a relationship. I need time to recover, I need time to change my everything so that I can have the confidents back to win you back. I missed you alot! I really do, each day I wonder what are you doing, are you safe and so on.

I got to rush off le. it's rainning heavily now, and shit my bike instructors. They kept saying my figure 8 is lousy, Next pra I sure ride fast de. Today rainning so i scare. hahaha.. well wish me luck people. = )

Finally i started blogging again. it's been more than 15 weeks since i last blogged. In this 15 weeeks alot had happened. i fell deeply in love with someone and i got hurt badly again. Her name is Deseree Sim Qing Ru. A cheerful, caring, fun and cute person to be with.

it all started,

After my 3rd relationship ended, and after i tried getting clara back (but realise she had changed so much), i told myself not to get involve in anymore relationship. Because i seriously could not take the pain anymore. i admit i'm a weak guy in relationship. i'm always the one who can't let things go. i made myself busy again and awaits my new sem to start. Finally that day came and came to realise i was in the corporate secretarial module instead of my international business. and worst is i was the only guy in the class. 1st day of tutorial, there came this came looking blur and all, and when she talked, she sound like a cute little girl. Gave me quite a impression. Her name Deseree......

Is it fate that brought us together? Is it fate showed me to her and made me enter into the class because of her???

We worked together in a group for most of the projects. We studied together for our common tests. We joke and all. At first i told myself i must not fall for her although i had a crash on her. I kept reminding myself that, but everytime when i'm with her, i observed her and i eventually fall for her. She was everything i asked for, then after our common tests i finally express my feelings for her. And she did say she felt something for me. Things started for us then on. Had many wonderful times for our first 2 weeks. Then many misunderstanding came and go and that's where we started quarrelling. break and patch for many times because of my stupid reasons and things i done. She finally can't take it and requested a break up and said will talked about it after exams. During my study break i went crazy because i lost her, i lost her mind, i lost everything, i repeated my mistakes in the past then came to regret again. Well we became 'friends' during the exams period. Finally exams finished, and i waited for her to message me to talked things out. I messaged her in the end and she said we were only friends. My heart was broke once again, this time i don't know why it was worst.

She made me believe in fairytales again. She made me fall for her so deeply, she made me hers. Imagine a heart finally just recovered from the pain, from the past was once again broken. I really don't how now. The pain is 10 times deeper this time. I missed her. I never hear from her since saturday. It's like 4 days le.

I said many cruel things to her and i always think for myself. i guess i still haven't grow up from the past. I'm still immature, i need to learn alot of things, especially in relationship. Now is my attachment period. That means I'll not see her for 6 months. I told her i can never be friends with her because i will fall for her everytime i see her or talked to her. But i was so immature to say all those things. This time i swear i'll learn hard and start anew. I will not turn back and look, i will not live in the past anymore, i want to move on as a new person. If can i want to go after you all over again. I may sound contradicting but i don't know how to express myself. Or in simple, I'll still want to be with her but hope by when the time comes, i will become more mature or grown up. I really find it hard to let her go. maybe time will washed everything away maybe we might never be together, but i will never give up on her till the day really comes. And when that comes i'll know.

Now all i want is to start anew and work harder. I want to go University I want to go NIE, i got so many wants now. My life has changed since Sunday till now. i met many people and saw alot of things. i hope i can do what i have promised myself. i will be very strong this time. But forgive me for missing you at times.